On Character, Faith, and Friends

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4 NLT

Well, my dear friends, allow me to share the "trouble" that has come my way, a trial that has tested my character, my faith, and my friends. About two weeks ago, I asked one of my roommates if she was planning on moving out when the lease ended in January. We'll call this roommate Jane. Jane said, over the course of two conversations, that she was moving out since I was causing an unhealthy living environment for her, and she had talked to her friends, and they agreed that she should move out and away from me. She mentioned how concerned she was for me because she saw that I had built a wall up around myself that even I couldn't see, a wall of my "extremistism" that hurt her and those around me, causing me to stunt my growth and become deceptive in how I lived my life.

In the next conversation, she talked about how I had gotten clingy to our other roommate (we'll call her Kate). When I discussed past conversations I had had with Kate to justify my desire to hang out with Kate (as opposed to clinging to her), Jane would cut in, "Oh, that tone of voice you just used was great! Good job! I'm so proud of you!" I felt completely insulted and taken aback by these conversations, seeing as how, in my memory, the conversations Jane and I have had in the last few months have been summed up in "Hey, how are you? Good! Well, see you later!" with smiles and hugs. Now I'm suddenly a terrible person to live with and her friends are telling her to move out on account of her health. Huh.

So a few days later, I confronted Kate, who has been my friend for the last seven years and roommate for the last three years. Come to find out, she is moving out on me too, and planning on moving in with Jane. They already have the apartment figured out, like they'd been planning this for awhile now, yet somehow I was the last person to know. No discussions, no warning. Her reasoning? She just wants a change. Why this change? She eludes my question, and I am sad to say that I suspect some hidden reason, and I just wish she'd be honest with me.

So there you have it. My two roommates are moving out on me, leaving me hoping and praying for two roommates in January and wondering what exactly just happened. My first trial was that my character was called into question. Am I an "extremist who causes an unhealthy living environment, who is broken and deceptive and has stunted growth"? Am I, essentially, too much to live with? I am happy to report that I continue to be a joyful God-worshipper who seeks to live out this life in peace and harmony. :D When my character was attacked, I immediately turned to Abba, and He wrapped His arms around me and comforted me. He has used friends in the past to point out my faults and convict me, but upon reflection and prayer, I did not in the least feel convicted of any of the accusations heaped against me. Perhaps the accusers merely fear becoming those faults themselves, and so both seem to have become convinced that my character embodies their fears. Who knows? But my character remains intact.

My faith has also been tried during this time, because I have to have faith that God will provide new roommates for me. I am now a homeowner, so I have a mortgage to pay off, not just rent. I do not know how difficult it would be to find one roommate, but now I have to find two. I must have faith that God will provide not only roommates, but hopefully new friends that will mesh well and, together, we might bring more light into this world. That is my prayer. So my faith remains intact as well.

Lastly, my friends have been tried as well. This is hardest for me, because I found out those who are fair-weather friends, those who talked about me behind my back, and those who confronted me and comforted me when they heard there had been accusations made against my character. Of my friends here in Florida whom I confided in, four remain as my true friends. I do not know what to think of my former roommates. If they have convinced themselves that I am indeed all those terrible things they accused me of, how am I to convince them otherwise? Knowing they talked about me when I was not there, planning on leaving me together when I was oblivious, and smiling at me when I turned the corner.. do friends do that to each other?

Of course I forgive them. We even had Thanksgiving together. That was difficult. Loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you is one thing. Feasting with them is another. (And yes, I admit enemies is a strong word, but I hope you understand the implication that we can't just read the Bible; we must live it). They acted in such a way, however, that I wondered if their accusations had merely been a bad dream. When I remembered their words though, Jesus reminded me that He had died for me, and them as well. Who am I to judge? Who am I to wish them ill? I wish them well, and may God bless them. Truly.

Yes, I have been sad lately, having had a boulder drop on my foot as I walked along this path of life with Abba by my side. The two roommates have seemed surprised and angered by this. I wonder why. To be punched in the face, kicked in the shins, and then spit upon with "You're unhealthy! You're broken! You're deceptive! You're too much!" does not naturally motivate me to offer up hugs in exchange. In the same way, I liken my life to a campfire. My two roommates have proceeded to throw sand on my fire, thus extinguishing many of the flames, and then they are frustrated when I am not burning brightly like I used to. I wonder why. Yet God in His wisdom is perfect, for sand in fire turns to glass, and out of the campfire of my life and the trials I have faced, I have a glass offering to present to God, so He can hang it in my room in Heaven. :) Besides, my campfire cannot fully go out; my Abba keeps it burning Himself. :D

Forgive me for this long-winded blog. It is healing to be able to get this much out in written form, acknowledging the trial, praying for peace, and moving on with my life. If you have made it all the way through this blog, thank you for taking the time, and I appreciate your prayers as well. Please, if you need prayer or a listening ear yourself, please let me know!

Praise be to God, the Author and Perfecter of our faith! :D